I haven't updated in a long time. In fact, I haven't really gotten into anything personal lately.
I'm living at my parent's again. My friend Smile moved in with me. Athens wasn't really working out and I didn't want to ruin the few friendships I actually still have.
I'm a bartender at Joe's Crab Shack now. I'm hoping to leave once I turn 21; to a bar in Atlanta. Which is where I may be moving at the end of the Summer.
Nothing I do seems to have much meaning anymore. Most of the time I'm in a bad mood or trying to pretend my mind isn't in shambles. I know I'm not, but I feel utterly alone. I constantly just seem to make bad decisions and ruin everything in my life. I'm starting to think I'd be better off alone. I fuck less shit up that way.
Really, I need a friend. However, I sadly don't feel close enough to anyone anymore to really talk about my issues. Or the people I am close to I have had relations with, so do not feel comfortable really talking to them about it. That and I know the answers, the advice, etc. bullshit I'd get from talking to anyone.
I could go on but it's all in the same ball game. I fucked up; I continuously fuck up. That seems to be the problem. The biggest thing is, I try really hard not to dig the hole I'm now stuck in. I can remember going through all my decisions, taking my time, analyzing everything. Yet here I am.
- In time it will heal.
- You've learned a valuable lesson from this.
- You'll grow from this.
- It's going to hurt for awhile.
"I wish I knew then what I know now, but I'd probly do the same. Yeah. I get the feeling it's planned out, from the cradle to the grave." _Die Trying by Art of Dying.
I'm going to COI on Sunday. Which, could be a bad idea. I may not be ready for real social interaction yet. Staying home seems much more attractive. However, I am a driver, and I am seeing some friends there. Even though some of my closest friends can't even make it. Sucks, I could use their friendly faces right about now.
Not to mention I am cosplaying someone for the first time. A female character at that. All of that makes me self conscious and uncomfortable all at the same time. Put on top of that it's a popular character that just almost everyone has done. I'm not even doing a legit costume of hers. So there's the upright guarantee it's gonna be a wreck of a cosplay throw together. There goes any chance of the possibility of making new friends. Fuck me.
I need to breathe. All this is bullshit. I am so fucking sick of feeling like this in life. In younger years it wasn't my fault. Now that I'm older I've dug my own grave constantly. Never have I known so much that I am a fucking piece of shit. I need a new outlook on life.
You know, I need to go back to my roots. Of being a fucking badass that couldn't give two shits about anyone else. That version of me was a little crazy; but at least I had friends who actually wanted to be around me. They had no idea much about me, except for what they guessed or assumed... but that was nice all in the same. I had my bubble, my concrete wall around myself. I couldn't hurt myself back then, nor let anyone else aid in my downfall. I never allowed such a mistake too happen.
We'll see. I'm in such a low place right now. I don't even know what to do anymore.
I'll just let the music guide me, and see where it takes me.